Children's mental health performance

The core criteria for judging children's mental health have never been "sensible", "obedient" and "good grades". Instead, they need to be comprehensively evaluated from the four dimensions of emotional stability, cognitive flexibility, behavioral adaptability and social support based on age and stage. There is no unified scale that is universally applicable.

When doing psychological screening for children in the community in the past two years, the most common misunderstanding I encountered was that parents equated "being good" with mental health. What impressed me most was a little boy in the third grade. He couldn't sit still in class and always pulled the girls in front of him by her pigtails. He would get into fights with his classmates every now and then. The teacher called his parents several times, but his parents even beat him and scolded him, but it didn't work. Finally, he had no choice but to bring him in for an evaluation, saying he suspected the child had a conduct disorder. As a result, during the sandbox game, the child set up a broken house with two adults standing back to back on both sides. The little man in the middle was holding a sign with the words "Don't Divorce" crookedly written on it. Later, I found out that during that time, his parents were quarreling at home every day, and the child deliberately caused trouble, just to distract his parents' attention from the divorce, even if they beat him together. You see, what outsiders see as “problem behavior” is actually a child’s unspoken cry for help.

Regarding the causes of children's abnormal performance, different academic schools actually have quite different opinions. The school of psychoanalysis believes that all children's behaviors that are out of the norm are the externalization of subconscious conflicts. For example, a child who has stopped wetting the bed before suddenly starts wetting the bed again, or a child who used to speak fluently suddenly stutters. Most of them are due to a gap in their sense of security and a regressive reaction. To put it bluntly, they want to use the state of a younger child in exchange for more attention from adults. This is not "need to take care of" at all. Scholars of the behaviorist school are more inclined to believe that many abnormal behaviors are the result of false reinforcement: for example, when a child lies on the ground for the first time and asks for a toy, the parent quickly buys it because it is embarrassing. The next time he wants something, he will ask for it in the same way, and a fixed behavior pattern is gradually formed. When actually doing clinical intervention, we generally don't stick to a certain point of view. We always adjust the plan based on the specific situation. After all, the growth environment of each child is very different.

Many parents like to keep the "normal performance comparison table of children of various ages". To be honest, I think the reference value is limited. After all, children's development rhythms are inherently different. For example, if a two-year-old child lies down and rolls on the floor when he disagrees with something, it means that his language expression ability cannot keep up with his emotional speed. This is a normal "terrible two years old" stage. If you insist on forcing him to be "sensible", he will suppress his emotional expression. ； But if you are seven or eight years old and still get angry when you disagree, then you need to be alert to whether the development of your emotional regulation ability is lagging behind. For another example, a three- or four-year-old child tells you every day that he has an invisible best friend. That is a normal imaginary playmate in the development stage of imagination, so there is no need to be nervous at all. ； But if in the upper grades of elementary school you still talk to imaginary playmates every day, or even refuse to interact with real classmates, then you need to check whether you have a tendency to social withdrawal.

There is another controversial point: does "introversion" count as a psychological problem? Every week I meet three or four parents who ask, "Is there something wrong with my child who is too introverted?" as soon as they come in. Psychologists who believe in trait theory have always emphasized that introversion is a natural temperament. As long as a child can express his or her needs normally and communicate smoothly with familiar people, even if he doesn't usually like to show off in front of others, there is no need to force him to "become extroverted." Forcing an introverted child to go on stage to give a speech or force him to greet strangers will easily cause him to develop social anxiety. However, many clinical workers have suggested that if a child is so "introverted" that he does not dare to look at anyone, freezes and cries whenever he enters a strange environment, or even cannot go to school normally, then it is necessary to consider the problem of social anxiety and require timely intervention. In fact, the boundary between the two is very simple: it depends on whether the child is comfortable or not, and whether it affects normal study and life. Last month, a mother brought her 6-year-old son for consultation. She said that the child always stayed in his room talking to dolls and refused to go out to play with children. After chatting with the child for half an hour, I found that he just liked to make up stories for dolls. Later, I suggested that the mother enroll him in a children's eloquence class. Now he has become the number one story teller in the class. Occasionally, he will take the initiative to tell stories to other children in the community. What is the problem? The parents are too anxious.

I have been doing children's psychological intervention for almost 10 years, and my biggest feeling is not to apply so-called standards to your own children. Children's psychological performance is actually like the leaves of a sapling. If the originally stretched leaves suddenly curl up and turn yellow, it may not necessarily be that there is something wrong with the leaves themselves. It may be that the roots are short of water, or it may be that the wind has been too strong recently. Instead of looking at "normal behavior" in a form, it is better to spend more time chatting with your child. You stay with him every day and you know best whether he is in the right state or not. It's normal to have a little abnormality occasionally. Don't label him as having a "psychological problem". It's better to ask him if he has anything unhappy recently.