Thoughts after listening to children’s mental health lecture

Most of the time, what children call "rebellious, squeamish, and disobedient" is not a character problem, but a signal from unseen psychological needs.； At the same time, there is no "perfect parenting formula" that applies to all children. All methods must match the temperament type of your child to be effective.

I've really been through too many pitfalls on this before. Last month, my third-grade son complained of a headache for three days in a row and refused to go to school. I thought he was faking it at first, and I was afraid that he would miss class, so I carried him to the school gate. As a result, he stood at the school gate crying for almost ten minutes. I even scolded him in front of the security guard, saying that he would play truant at a young age. Now that I think about it, I feel really regretful.

Teacher Chen in today’s lecture happened to mention this situation, saying that many young children who are not yet able to express their emotions accurately will have “somatization” symptoms – to put it bluntly, they are so blocked that they cannot express themselves, which turns into physical reactions such as headaches, stomachaches, and inability to eat. She also cited a case of clinical contact. There was a little boy in second grade who always chewed pencils, biting the end of the pencil to pieces, and tearing the homework book into tatters. The parents took him to check for ADHD several times, and there was no problem. After talking for a long time, they found out that during that time, his parents were arguing about the divorce at home every day.

When it comes to how to deal with children's emotional problems, Teacher Chen didn't just give him chicken soup. Instead, he directly said that many of the content on the Internet that "can solve children's crying problems with one trick" is irresponsible. Different schools of psychology have different logics for handling this matter: Psychoanalytic counselors will suggest that you catch your child's emotions first, don't rush to judge right or wrong, and first understand the unspoken needs hidden behind the emotions.； A behaviorist counselor may suggest that you first establish boundaries, deal with unreasonable crying coldly, and rely on positive reinforcement to develop good expression habits. There is no absolute right answer, it depends on the situation and the child's personality. For example, if your child is already sensitive and introverted, he usually doesn't dare to speak, and if he finally bursts into tears, if you treat him coldly, it will only make him even more afraid to express himself. ； If your child usually relies on acting up to get things, and rolls on the floor in a shopping mall to ask for toys, if you hug him and empathize with him at this time, it will be easier for him to form the understanding that "acting out will get benefits."

When I heard this in the audience, I turned around and looked at the parent next to me. We both laughed. Isn't this what happens often in my family? I used to watch short videos to learn about parenting. Today I learned from this blogger who said to set rules for children, and tomorrow I learned from that blogger who said to accept children unconditionally. As a result, the child did not get better after all the hard work. I argued with my husband 800 times first. He always said that I was spoiling my child, and I always said that he was too strict. I realized today that there is no standard answer. The best thing to do is to take the time to understand your own child's temper.

Oh, yes, Teacher Chen also specifically mentioned the "frustration education" that many parents are now pursuing, saying that this thing has also been misunderstood. Many parents think that deliberately seeking to make their children suffer is called frustration education. For example, they insist on letting their children go on their own even though they can pick them up from school. Even though their children are very happy with 95 points in the exam, they insist on pouring cold water on them by saying, "Why don't you look at other people's exams with 100 points?" This is not frustration education at all. It is artificially creating trauma for children. The real frustration education is that when your child encounters difficulties, you accompany him to bear them and help him learn how to solve the problem, instead of standing by and creating difficulties for him.

When the show was over, I deliberately stayed until the end to talk to Teacher Chen about my son’s previous headaches. She reminded me that I could ask more about my child’s social life at school and not always focus on his grades. On my way home, I made a special detour to a convenience store and bought the Lego bricks that my son had been talking about for almost two weeks. Usually I always say that buying bricks delays learning, but today I gritted my teeth and bought them anyway. When I got home in the evening, I didn't urge him to do his homework as usual as soon as he came in. I sat on the sofa and dismantled the building blocks with him. As he was dismantling the blocks, he suddenly told me that during the last few days when he had a headache, his new deskmate always snatched his erasers and rulers. He didn't dare to tell the teacher, and he didn't dare to tell me, for fear that I would scold him for being useless. I held him in my arms and didn't say a word for a long time.

Harmful, to be honest, I always felt that children’s mental health was a very imaginary concept in the past. When I heard it, I thought it was right, but when I turned around, I should still scold or urge. Today I really understand that as parents, what we should learn most in this life is never how to make our children "other people's children", but how to squat down and listen carefully to what our children are thinking.