Stress management is divided into two parts

The stress management we often talk about is essentially divided into two things - the first is to deal with real stressors that can be solved, and the second is to adjust one's own stress perception threshold. You don’t need to save more than ten pages of methodology notes. If you can clarify these two things without confusing them, you can handle 90% of daily stress.

I have been working on enterprise EAP for six years, and I have seen too many people make detours in this matter. The one who impressed me most was the product manager of an Internet project team I worked with last year. He was only 27 years old and already had two patches of bald spots. During the conversation, he said that he had to take melatonin every day to sleep. He paid almost 10,000 yuan for various mindfulness meditation classes, but they were of no use at all. After sitting down and sorting through his to-do list for half an hour, he discovered that 80% of his stress came from three misaligned requirements. Every time he thought about having to deal with R&D and business, he got a headache. He would rather consume internal energy every day than move. Later, I forced him to do two 15-minute short bursts on the first day to align one of the small needs, and then touch on the rest the next day. Within a week, he sent me a message saying that he could sleep for 6 hours without taking melatonin recently.

In fact, it does not mean that mindfulness meditation is useless. There are indeed studies in the cognitive behavioral school that prove that continuous mindfulness practice can reduce anxiety levels, but the premise is that you must first distinguish whether the stress you face is "unresolved real problems" or "your own perception sensitivity is too high." If you have to repay 8,000 yuan for your mortgage this month and you only have 3,000 yuan left on your salary card, there is no point sitting there and taking a deep breath for half an hour. The bank will not waive your monthly payment just because you have a good attitude. The serious thing is to find a way to raise money to fill the hole first.

But not all pressure can be eliminated by solving practical problems. This brings us to the second thing: adjusting the threshold.

A while ago, there was a young girl among the newcomers recruited by the company. She also changed the plan. The team leader just said, "The dimension of this data can be adjusted down." She turned around and worked overtime until 12 o'clock to change three versions and submit them. The next day, her eyes were swollen like walnuts. She said that she was so scared that she stayed up for half the night, fearing that she would not pass the probation period. But if you are a veteran employee who has been in the team for three years and encounters the same situation, you will probably first ask the team leader what dimension you want, then change it when you are ready, and then just leave the job.

In fact, there have been different voices in the academic community on this point. Physiological scholars generally believe that a person’s stress perception threshold is related to the innate baseline level of cortisol. To put it bluntly, some people are born with a big heart, while others are born with a sensitive nature, and it is difficult to adjust it later.； But more practitioners of clinical psychology will believe that this threshold can be raised through deliberate practice. It was my first time to give an EAP presentation to the entire company for 100 people. My palms started to sweat three days in advance. Even after I read the manuscript more than a dozen times, I was still afraid of forgetting it. Later, I deliberately found a lot of small internal sharing jobs for myself. I started practicing with departments sharing with more than a dozen people. Now, even if I am called to speak on stage for 20 minutes, I can still drink milk tea before going on stage.

To be honest, I have seen too many people reverse the order of these two: obviously there are real problems that can be solved, but they must first "look inward" to adjust their mentality, which is called emotional stability. In the end, the more problems pile up, the more the mentality collapses.； Some people are born with high sensitivity. When a colleague casually says, "Your necklace looks pretty today," they can think for a long time whether they are saying that they are dressed strangely, and then turn around and take off the necklace. Even if everyone around you is replaced by dumb wood, you will still be anxious about other trivial things. It is better to spend some time to practice your "desensitivity".

In fact, to use an analogy, stress management is like a leak in your kitchen: if there is a hole in the water pipe, you have to repair the hole first, instead of squatting on the ground and wiping water every day. No matter how diligently you wipe, the water will still leak out. This is to deal with the source of stress.； But if the water pipe itself is good, but you opened the faucet too much and splashed all over the floor, then don't always look at the water pipe to find problems, just turn the water valve smaller. This is to adjust the perception threshold.

I don’t recommend that you compile 100 tips on stress management. When you are really stressed out and can’t breathe, take ten minutes to sit down and think about it: Is there anything that can be directly solved about the thing that bothers you now? If you have any, just do it for 10 minutes. As you do it, most of the stress will disappear. ； If you look around and find that there is nothing specific at all and you are just imagining it, then stand up and get a glass of water, or walk downstairs for 10 minutes. Don't compete with your brain.

Anyway, after so many years of exposure, I feel that most people's stress is not a big deal. It's just that they are too lazy to solve the problem, or they are too idle to think about it all day long. Understanding these two points is more useful than taking any number of stress-reduction classes.