The Eightfold Method of Emotional Regulation

Stop withdrawal, physical anchoring, cognitive bomb disposal, expressive offloading, compensatory catharsis, meaning reconstruction, boundary stop loss, and proactive prevention. There are no pretensions, and you don’t need to understand psychology to use it directly.

To be honest, I have seen too many people whose first reaction when they are emotional is to hold on, or to force themselves to "be mature and generous". In the end, they either hold it in or say something that they regret for half a year. In fact, the most effective thing to do at the first moment when you encounter an emotion is to stop withdrawing. Last week, there was a visitor who was engaged in Internet operations. He had been working on a project for half a month and was scolded by his boss in front of the whole department, saying, "What a rubbish he did." At that time, his hand was already on the keyboard and he was about to drop it. He suddenly remembered the method I taught him. He stared at the mug in front of the boss and counted for 3 seconds. Then he raised his hand and said, "I'm going to get a glass of water to think about it." Different schools have different explanations for this method: CBT believes that it interrupts the automatic thinking chain of "being denied → I am useless → fighting back with anger", ACT calls it "cognitive dissociation", and traditional Chinese medicine says that it is "retracting your mind when you are anxious". The essence is to pull you out of the emotional whirlpool first, and don't make decisions at the most irrational time.

What if you really can’t get away? For example, if your legs are shaking when you are standing on the stage giving a speech, or you are unable to leave midway while discussing cooperation with a client, physical anchoring can help. I have a client who is a teacher. Every time before a public class, he will put a toffee given by his grandma in his pocket. When he is nervous, he will secretly pinch the candy wrapper twice and it will immediately calm him down. You can also pinch your own thumb for 30 seconds, or stare at the toes of your shoes and count the lines on them, or even touch the keys or hair ties you carry with you. Some people think this is metaphysics, but in fact it is the "sensory grounding technology" in neuroscience - when you are emotionally excited, your amygdala is highly excited, and all your attention is focused on "danger". If you draw your attention back to concrete physical sensations such as touch and vision, the prefrontal cortex can quickly get back to work, and your rationality can keep up. Oh, by the way, don’t follow those “take a deep breath for 4 seconds and hold your breath for 4 seconds” stuff on the Internet. The more nervous you are, the easier it is to breathe. Just find a small anchor point that you can use easily. The most important thing is that it works.

Many people have a misunderstanding that emotional regulation means suppressing emotions. In fact, suppressed emotions will not disappear, but will only explode again the next time you encounter a small thing. At this time you can try expressive uninstallation. You don’t have to find friends to complain about - after all, no one wants to be someone else’s emotional trash can. What I often use is "3 minutes of free writing": take a piece of waste paper and write whatever comes into your mind, including curse words, random thoughts, or even drawing circles. You don’t have to worry about logic or whether the words are good or not. After writing, just tear it up and throw it into the trash can. 80% of the anger can be eliminated by more than half. Some people also like to record voices for themselves, or say what they want to say to an empty chair. In fact, there are different tendencies in the academic circles here: the psychoanalytic school emphasizes "consciousness of the subconscious" and believes that as long as emotions are spoken out, healing will be completed. ； The CBT school believes that the writing process itself is sorting out chaotic cognition, and there is no need to dig into the roots of childhood. Both methods are effective, as long as you feel comfortable using them.

If you still feel overwhelmed after writing, try compensatory catharsis. I once had a visitor who was a product manager. Every time after an argument with a developer, he would go downstairs and dance jumping jacks for 10 minutes. He was sweating profusely. When he came back, he would feel calm and change his needs. Some people like to pet their cat for half an hour, or cook a bowl of snail noodles to smell the fragrance, or even squat at a delivery station and squeeze bubble wrap for five minutes. As long as they don't hurt themselves or disturb others, it doesn't matter what they do. But a reminder, don’t follow what is said on the Internet, “just run 10 kilometers when you are angry.” I had a client who had a thyroid nodule and forced himself to run to vent it. He almost fainted in the playground. The most important thing is to suit your physical condition.

Once your mood is a little more stable, you can use cognitive debugging to figure out what went wrong. In fact, the core are three questions: "Is the point I was angry about just now really valid? Are there any other possibilities? Even if it is true, can I bear the worst outcome? ”For example, if you are dumped by a colleague, your first reaction is "He is deliberately targeting me." Don't be too quick to get angry. Think about whether it is possible that he himself has confused the division of responsibilities? Even if he really did it on purpose, if you ask the leader to present the evidence clearly, the worst result is that you take the blame first and just avoid him next time. There is a controversial point here: many schools of positive psychology will let you think the best when things happen, but I do not recommend that you do this. Forcing "positive energy" is essentially a kind of emotional suppression. Just objectively attribute it, and there is no need to force yourself to "have to be happy."

Some people must say that I understand all the principles, but I get angry when my mother talks about marriage or get annoyed when I see a colleague’s face. What should I do? It's very simple, just use the boundary stop loss. Just turn away topics you don’t want to talk about, try to have as little contact with people who make you upset when you see them, and just block people who make you anxious when you see them in your circle of friends. Some people will criticize this as escaping and not daring to face problems. I actually understand this statement very well - in long-term psychological counseling, we do encourage clients to work through their own complexes, but for most ordinary people who just want to live a good life, it is more effective to avoid the sources of stimulation that make them angry first than to force themselves to "grow". If you keep the green hills, you are not afraid of running out of firewood. It is not too late to solve the problem when your condition is stable enough.

If something has already happened and cannot be changed or avoided, then try reframing the meaning. I once had a visitor who failed the postgraduate entrance examination and cried at home for three days, feeling that her life was doomed. Later, she posted her preparation notes and pitfalls online when she had nothing to do. Instead, she became a slightly famous blogger for the postgraduate entrance examination. She now leads students with a higher admission rate than many institutions. She said, "It turns out that my fall can be a stepping stone for so many people." Of course, some people say that this is Ah Q’s mental victory method. I have checked relevant brain science research: actively reconstructing the meaning of events will indeed activate the reward pathway in the prefrontal cortex and reduce the anxiety response of the amygdala. This is not to deceive oneself or others, but it can really help you find something useful from the spilled milk.

Finally, the most worry-free way is to take precautions. To put it bluntly, don’t make yourself suffer. I have seen many people who clearly know that they will suffer from insomnia after drinking milk tea, and they will be irritable the next day after insomnia, but they still can’t help but drink it. In the end, they blame themselves for their poor psychological quality when they are in a bad mood. Isn’t this just out of frustration? I myself will mark the "low mood period" before my menstrual period on my calendar, and try not to arrange negotiations that require wrangling or take on work that is too energy-consuming during that week, which can save a lot of trouble. If you figure out your own emotional patterns and avoid minefields in advance, it will take 10 times less effort than adjusting them once your emotions are up.

In fact, there is no strict order of use of these eight methods. Use whichever one feels comfortable at the moment. If you can do it three times out of 10 without letting your emotions take the lead, you are already very good. After all, we don’t learn emotional regulation to be a perfect person who will never get angry. It will rain and people will have emotions. It’s normal. You just need to bring an umbrella. You don’t have to force God to clear up, right?